Bristol School of Self Defence

If you are being abused by someone you have, or used to have, an intimate relationship with, this is domestic violence. Domestic violence is controlling behaviour that is widespread and includes physical, sexual, emotional, psychological and financial abuse.

It harms both women and men and it wrecks thousands of lives.

Domestic violence is rarely a one-off event. The abuse may be manifested in a number of different ways and types of abuse may fit in several, if not all, of the above categories eg intimidation, threats, verbal abuse, economic abuse, other non-violent but controlling behaviour.

Physical and sexual abuse tends to increase in frequency and severity over time, sometimes ending with death. Other forms of abusive or controlling behaviour may be ongoing.

If you are in a violent relationship there are three steps you can take:

1. Recognise that it is happening to you

Domestic violence occurs in all communities, irrespective of age, class, sexuality, race, religion, disability etc. The experiences of domestic violence will differ with respect to all these issues. There are no typical abusers, victims or survivors. Alcohol, unemployment, poverty or anger do not cause domestic violence although these are factors often used to excuse it.

2. Accept that you are not to blame

It is not easy to accept that a loved one can behave so aggressively. Because they cannot explain their partner's behaviour, many people assume that they themselves are to blame. They are not. No one deserves to be assaulted, abused or humiliated, least of all by a partner in a supposedly caring relationship. It is the abuser's behaviour which needs to change: there is no excuse.

3. Seek help and support

The most important thing to do is to tell someone. For some the decision to seek help is quickly and easily made. For many, the process will be long and painful as they try to make the relationship work and stop the violence. The prospect of leaving an abusive relationship can be as frightening as staying. Most people try to find help a number of times before they get what they need, and even after leaving there may still be a risk. Never be afraid to ask for help again. In an emergency always call the police by dialling 999.

Self protection advice for victims of domestic violence:

Plan ahead

Develop a plan for your safety
Consider confiding in your neighbours
Arrange to have a place to go
Have your own copies of important papers
Have available important phone numbers
Have an overnight bag available
Put aside money and spare keys

During an incident

Get out if you can
Take important items listed above
Call for help or ring 999

If you can't leave the situation

Avoid rooms with only one exit
Avoid, if possible, the kitchen, bathroom and garage
Call for help or ring 999

If you are living alone

Change locks, secure doors and windows
Change your phone numbers
Seek legal advice
Notify trusted friends and family

Safety outside

Inform your work and children's school and/or nursery if appropriate
Change your daily routine
Plan ahead for unexpected contact with the abuser.

Advice provided by Avon & Somerset Police

Further information, including details of support organisations, can be accessed via the LINKS page.